DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN...

It's Beijing's 2008 Olympic mascots: the Five Friendlies.

I know that if some of my blood is put in an electron microscope and magnified enough, you will see these hideous creatures hitching rides on my white blood cells and clinging to my hemoglobin. Beijing's Olympic Committee says their goal is to "carry a message of friendship and peace--and blessings from China--to children all over the world" but I know that they are really a visual plague designed to make eyeballs explode and to make children all over the world whimper with fear and wet their beds. "Mommy! The Five Friendlies are coming to kill me!"

Let's just hope they fade from the collective cultural consciousnous as quickly as the dire Izzy (Atlanta, 1996), the ghastly Phevos and Athena (Athens, 2004), bloodthirsty Hidy and Howdy (Calgary, 1988) or the shadowy Amik (Montreal, 1976).