RAJNI IS MAGIC. OTHER PEOPLE? NOT SO MUCH

South India's puckish, mustachioed film star, Rajnikanth, just had his 56th birthday and we should all take a few moments to remember that Rajni means magic.

Gravity doesn't bother Rajni, he leaps and flies all over the place, spending approximately one minute on the ground for every 10 minutes he spends soaring through the skies in his movies. Sometimes a wall is too high for Rajni and he has to kill some bad guys on the other side. What does he do? He throws a gun into the air and uses another gun to shoot the trigger and kill the baddie. Someone shoots at you. I would die, you probably would too, but Rajni pulls a knife, cuts the bullet in half and each half kills a bad guy standing behind him. What about when someone shoots at a knife-less Rajni? Dude, he just catches the bullet in a piece of pipe, spins the pipe around, and it kills the guy who was dumb enough to shoot at him.

I think Saif Ali Khan (star of DIL CHATA HAI and EK HASEENA THI) should spend a little more time thinking, "What would Rajni do?" While driving home from rehearsals for the MTV Music Awards he ran over a kid. Rather than stomp on the accelerator and get out of there, Saif says he was "proud to do the right thing" and he took the kid to the hospital. Docs said he had a broken leg. Indian law says there has to be an arrest in every road accident and so later Saif was arrested and his car was impounded. Now the kid's uncle wants more money. "I won't be milked by people," declares Saif. "I've paid for my sin. Legal work is on. If there's a case, so be it." Besides, "It was a very crowded road and such mishaps aren't uncommon."

Is that what Rajni would do? No! Rajni does not lactate so he can't be milked.

Then there's Salman Khan, the guy who supposedly beat up his girlfriend, Aishwarya Rai, back in the day. The guy who ran over some homeless people while they were sleeping and he was drunk, killing one of them. The guy whose hot abs can cure the diseases of those who view them. Now he's in trouble for killing some protected antelope back in 1998 and he didn't appear in court this past Monday, causing the trial to be rescheduled. Salman's lawyer says the poor guy had some "minor head surgery" which sounds bad. Then everyone found out he had just gotten hair plugs, which sounds dumb.

What would Rajni do? He would laugh at Salman. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Silly Rajni.

(For totally hot Rajni flava, do yourself a fava and watch MUTHU MAHARAJA)