KAIJU SHAKEDOWN: THE TV SHOW

A long time ago the Washingtonienne blog got optioned to be a TV show, and Slate came to me and asked me to write about the exciting life of a blogger and how it could make a compelling TV series. I wrote it, but they never published it, the pop culture engine having moved on. But here, for your amusement, is my article on the exciting life of what goes on behind the scenes at Kaiju Shakedown. Note my annoying tendency to sound like Bridget Jones.

I am a blogger, which means that I make more money and lead a more exciting life than you. In today’s world, I could have a book, a TV show, a podcast or 15 minutes with the President whenever I want whereas all you get is a house, kids and a career that has dignity and meaning. A lot of my old friends know that I blog and when they saw that the Washingtonienne blog was being turned into a TV show their first question was: “Grady, can you turn Kaiju Shakedown into a TV show, too?” Of course I can. In fact, I spend so much time pouring cold water on producers’ pants that it’s eating into my blogging. “But Grady,” they continue. “Your blog is about the Asian film industry and although it’s insightful and frequently hilarious don’t you think it has a limited audience in America?” Uh, no. This kind of question is the reason why they’re my old friends.

Not that I have anything to prove, because I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but myself, but here’s a typical week in the life of Kaiju Shakedown so you can see that it contains all the thrills and drama that you, the American people, want to see on TV.

MONDAY
Early blogger gets the worm, and am up at 10AM typing away. Something in kitchen doesn’t smell good but forgot about it when I notice that rival blog, Twitch, has run a piece linking to a trailer for MEMORIES OF MATSUKO. I linked to that first and they know it. So why couldn’t they link through Kaiju Shakedown, my adorable and Variety-sponsored blog? The only person who sponsors them is a tacky DVD wholesaler. Develop further distaste for Todd who runs Twitch. Actually, maybe it is beyond distaste by now and has matured into dislike? Remember meeting Todd once and he didn’t seem so great. Wish I could put unflattering photo of him online without people misinterpreting that as bitterness rather than a desire for accuracy and fairness in journalism. If people saw how old he is they would turn against him. Feel betrayed and hurt.

TUESDAY
Noticed that many readers of Kaiju Shakedown, my unique and well-written blog, seem to think that I am Indian superstar Shah Rukh Khan. Feel good about this until I realize that I am not Indian superstar Shah Rukh Khan. Considered passing self off as Shah Rukh Khan but realize big difference, viz. he is Indian. Become lethargic. Kitchen still smells bad. Has something died in there?

WEDNESDAY
Wife asks what I’m doing. Working, I say. That’s not working, she says. Then she attempts to show off by calculating hours spent blogging vs. money made blogging. Winds up comparing me to sweat shop laborer making Nikes in China. I point out that Nike does not have factories in China. Score! I win. Bring up possibility of sex. Rebuffed Reason: she claims I do not wash enough because I spend all my time blogging for my uplifting and inspirational blog, Kaiju Shakedown. I feel this is an unfair characterization. Spend time online. Take article from Twitch and don’t give them attribution. Pigeon lands on windowsill and stares at me reproachfully. Why must everyone persecute me?

THURSDAY
Post hot item about Ekin Cheng breaking up with Gigi Leung. Cancel errands (laundry, groceries, Blockbuster, meet with producers to talk about interactive WebTV show based around ground-breaking and spiritually-advanced blog, Kaiju Shakedown) anticipating wave of fan comments about article. Wait. Wait. Continue waiting. Finally someone posts a comment. It is an ad for herbal Viagra. Consider deleting ad but decide to leave it. Maybe it’s some kind of sly commentary on auto-posted blog Spam by one of my cutting edge readers? What smells so bad in the kitchen?

FRIDAY
Angry email from Todd this morning demanding I put in a link to his blog (the badly-designed and spiritually desolate Twitch) because I have “stolen” one of his posts. Did you know that Todd has a baby? Maybe even three, I can’t remember. Someone told me this once. What kind of blogger has a baby? Todd’s kind, I suppose. That’s why he’s so jealous of me because you lose your figure after you have a baby. Think about this for so long that I wind up posting a two-year-old news item by accident. Instantly receive six comments pointing out that article is out of date and inaccurate. Where were these people when I broke the Ekin/Gigi break-up story? So much negativity in the world. Same negativity is probably reason there is all this trouble in Iraq. I get choked up thinking about plight of the Iraqi people and how it mirrors my life. Similarities are scary when you think about it.

SATURDAY
Kitchen situation totally out of hand. Wife asks what is going on in there. I say I am not the keeper of the kitchen. She points out that since I work from home I am responsible for house. Makes annoying quotation marks with fingers when she says “work”. Feel oppressed by this. Point out that since she’s home now and obviously so obsessed with it maybe she should look in kitchen. After investigation she finds frozen pizza I forgot in the oven. She gives me a pointed look. I try counter-argument: maybe if she used oven more this kind of thing wouldn’t happen. Receive second, more complicated, look. I can detect bits of anger, rage and pity mixed in with a large amount of exasperation but can’t quite sum it up with one word. Throw out pizza. Day ruined. Unable to blog.

SUNDAY
Read other blogs. Decide this is “homework” for my cutting edge and ergonomic blog, Kaiju Shakedown. Forget shower, again. Kitchen still smells. Why is this? Decide that other bloggers seem happier than me. Become even less happy. This is hardly fair. Todd has posted something on his ridiculous site about Ekin and Gigi breaking up. Has attracted 22 comments. Ha. They are probably all ads for herbal Viagra. Not that he needs it. He has three babies. Become despondent. Yearn for frozen pizza. Realize there is an almost-new one in garbage. Ponder ethics of situation. Decide that the week has been so bad I can reward self with a drink. Then I reward self with runner up award drinks. Decide that beautiful and Christ-like blog, Kaiju Shakedown, would probably sweep any awards show that was judged fairly and so reward self with all the drinks. Run out of Alize before I run out of categories. Consider going to store for more rewards but decide to pass out on laptop instead so I can be up early and ready to blog. Hopefully I will not drool.

How about them apples? Can you not wait for the television show? Seriously, I am excited just typing this up. I’m thinking Michael Rapaport from “The War at Home” might be good at this. Please, comment on this article as I plan to show it to a producer who’s considering starting a comic book that he’ll leverage into a feature film and then franchise into a TV series all based around the greatest blog on the planet, Kaiju Shakedown.