BEGINNERS GUIDE TO BOLLYWOOD

If it wasn't for the comments section of this blog I'd never learn terms like "tumbleweave" and I never would have heard the plaintive cry of a few readers who want to know what Bollywood movies to watch. There're a lot of Bollywood movies out there, they're all on region free DVDs with English subtitles, and they all look exactly the same. Every single movie, be it love story or revenge thriller, has the cover of a bad Harlequin romance. So here's a cheap attempt for me to justify the hundreds of hours of Bollywood movies I've watched by giving you a list of ten films you should see from Bollywood.

DIL SE - the first Bollywood movie I ever saw and still the best movie about terrorism ever made. A full-blown musical about suicide bombers starring Manisha Koirala and Shah Rukh Khan, two of Bollywood's biggest stars. Everything about this movie is perfect.

COMPANY - cold and tight, like the death grip of a corpse, Ram Gopal Varma's masterpiece is an exceptional gangster flick that'll send you scurrying out to find his other works. Try SATYA (his first Bollywood gangster movie), EK HASINA THI (female revenge film produced by Varma), AB TAK CHHAPPAN (corrupt cop movie produced by Varma) and read more about his career here.

MAST - Varma again, but this time he's making a poisonous love letter to the big Bollywood masala movies that he loved as a fan. It's sick, and weird, and very very glam.

BOMBAY - Mani Ratnam of DIL SE fame made this Hindu/Muslim love story and while it ends like a Coke commercial there's no denying the two hours plus of great acting, riot scenes, and people being burned alive that precedes the finale.

DISCO DANCER - if wacky is more your taste then please treat yourself to DISCO DIDDY. Movies don't get any more head foggingly weird than this one which features guitar trauma and the finger snap attack.

MUTHU MAHARAJA - okay, maybe Rajni in MUTHU is weirder. Take DISCO DANCER and MUTHU MAHARAJA together and feel your brain recoil in terror. There are no reviews I can find for this fine, fine film but that'll change soon.

NAYAK - if you can find a disc of NAYAK that hasn't falled prey to digital decay then grab it. A news cameraman becomes Prime Minister of India for a day and fixes things by punching people in the stomach. Well-produced but bone-headed, this the fantasy film that features the infamous "naked MATRIX" fight scene.

DEVDAS - three of Bollywood's biggest actors swoon and suffer on Bollywood's biggest sets in this adapatation of Bollywood's most famous love story. Eyeball grabbing decor-joy and a plot that's lowest setting is "intensely tragic" make this my Bollywood guilty pleasure. Get some ideas on how to decorate YOUR villa here.

ABHAY - the Hindi disc is a mess that freezes halfway through so order the Telugu version (same movie, different language) instead: AALAVANDHAN. This may not be to everyone's taste, but Kamal Hassan has made the definitive serial killer horror musical and his performance as the psychotic SWAT commander and his psychotic serial killer brother is totally ginchy. (note: there are apparently some minor edits of drug use in the Tamil version. Can anyone confirm this?)

TEESRI MANZIL - old school Bollywood the way it ought to be: a nutty plot, fabulous Dr. Seuss inspired musical numbers, Helen acting nasty just because she can, and lots and lots of strangeness from another dimension. That said, TEESRI MANZIL has a lot more going for it than you'd expect, including some great performances and a plot that actually makes sense. (Get some historical context for TEESRI MANZIL.)

And if any of these movies get you interested then there are millions more, literally tons of Bollywood fun, to be found. Try MARD (vampires! in colonial India?!?); MUGHAL-E-AZAM (a period epic that cost a zillion rupees to make); KABHI KUSHIE KABHI GHAM (family-sized melodrama); APAHARAN (kidnapping!), SARKAR (the GODFATHER remake!); OMKARA (OTHELLO goes to Bollywood!); AANKHEN (blind guys rob bank!) and on...and on...and on...

(And, yes, before people start getting boring: I know all of these movies aren't official Bollywood product, some are from other film industries in India, but they all are part of the Bollywood aesthetic)